Poem # 99 Elegy to my uncle

Meant to write an Ode to you "NU" this year, did not anticipate that it will be after you are no more (Aug 02, 2020). Wish I had done it sooner and the poem would have taken a different route and you would have read it. But as the saying goes, "It is, what it is". 

99 is a very powerful number in numerology indicating end of a phase and start of a new chapter. Its called an Angel Number. Apt that my 99th poem is dedicated to you.

They say, any loss or grief has five defined stages,

I feel flashes of these randomly, not in consecutive phases;

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance,

For me they seem not, to have a pattern of succession.

Trying to immerse myself in my work, a classic phase of denial,

While lashing at you, God and the world, a step in the anger spiral;

Depressed feeling of a vacuum, succumbing to tears of despair,

Bargaining to tire myself to sleep, to wake up from this nightmare.

While all along I console myself, that this for you, was for the best,

Acceptance, to still the thrashing waves of sentiments, puts me to the test;

Raging vortex of feelings, so stormy, not sure where to start or end,

While I put on a brave face and to the rest of the world pretend.

Flashes of nostalgic memories, take me back to our past,

Outburst of tears when I see, a child cycling in the park;

Memories of my first ride on the cycle and then the geared scooter,

Walks me through glimpses of the many moments, where you played my casual tutor.

You loved your food, mom’s cooking, chocolates, cakes, milk sweets and ice-cream,

Getting soaked in the rain, long drives in the wind, made-up your happy dream;

Your passion for books, travel, oration, badminton, cricket, ocean, photography and to rebel,

Encouraging me to be versatile and eclectic, never letting my talents quell.

Many a skill you spurred in me, with your varied knowledge and flair,

You strove to be happy each day, instant decisions without any care;

You taught me to be brave, strong, courageous and to face the world,

To be unapologetic for being myself, and let my confidence unfurl.

You had so many strengths, yet to groom your faults chose lies,

Not a care in the world, for sentiments of dissent, or fear of falling from grace;

Learnt so much from you, on how to and more importantly, how not to be,

Your strengths enabled my success, your vices helped rein, the maverick in me.

You loved everyone, were cheerful among strangers and were happy go lucky,

Love for independence and decision to indulge in your habits, turned family waters mucky;

I cannot imagine, I will never again get to see your face, grab a hug or hear your booming laugh,

Worry and call to know you are well, scold you on your ruinous choice or simply hear your voice.

Many a time these past few years when you were stressed, I am deeply sorry and regret, I could not do much,

I wish life had me at a place, where I could have given you the peace, that had left you at lurch;

Many conversations between you and I, some now a thing of past and some left unspoken,

Long to have spent more time together, now all that’s left of you, are your memories as my token. 

Hope you are now in a better place, a place of your own, where you truly belong,

I wish for your happiness, and more importantly, that you find inner calm;

Life is going to be hard for me, for I am going to miss you so,

Its' but apt to end my elegy dear uncle, with a simple “I love you!”